Regular readers of this blague will remember that last year I made myself available for the NBA draft. I'm sorry to report that not a single one of the general managers was daring enough to gamble on me. It was disappointing and inexplicable. I would have suspected that at least one or two of the teams would have read my official statement. And jumped at the chance of adding me to their roster. I was depressed for a couple of weeks, but now, every day for eleven months, I've been working on my inside moves. Baby hook with both the right and left hands. My basketball is worn smooth from the concrete driveway.
I now believe that I have discovered the reason that I was not snatched by the Lakers or the Celtics or another one of the elite teams (frankly, I'm not all that enthusiastic of starting my pro career in an off-brand situation like Memphis or Denver).
Last year, I was scrupulously honest about listing my height. It was exactly "five feet ten and one-quarter (formerly five feet ten and three-quarter) inches." How naive I was! Apparently, guys are exaggerating their credentials, and I now discover that chicanery and bloviation are rife in the hallowed halls of the basketball-draft world. For example, Michael Beasley of Kansas State, supposedly 6' 10", measured only 6' 7" even wearing sneakers. Derrick Rose of Memphis dropped from 6' 4" to 6' 1". You see what's happening -- I'm playing the draft game fair and square and so I don't get the same kind of publicity that the guys do who tweak their credentials.
So there will be some changes on my application this year. a) I'm taking out all references to my atrial hypertrophic cardiomyopathy -- it hasn't bothered me for months and certainly doesn't stop me from playing at my peak for periods of 3 or 4 minutes at a stretch. So that's gone. b) I'm also going to list my height at 6' 2 1/2". A slight exaggeration but I doubt anyone will notice because I play big. Also, I'm wearing thick soles. c) In the interest of absolute truth, I'm going to admit that I've put on a couple of pounds during the last year. Not a deficit -- an asset. I'm getting to the point that I could be described as a "widebody" -- very rare in the NBA --and much coveted. Also, my cataracts are stable and, though I take the prostate medicine every other day, there's no sign yet that it will compromise my ferocious aggressiveness. And let me be perfectly clear -- there's not the slightest bit of truth to the rumor that I will have to frequently leave the field of play to make use of the restroom facilities.